first draft
Tired of scaring children with the scorbutic pulp barely clinging to your gums? Does the smell of your yellowing “teeth” make janitors vomit their early-morning roast beef sandwiches into the street when you bike past their shithole apartments? Have you ever thought to yourself: I wish someone would just kick me in the goddamn mouth so I could get it over with and live a bedentured life, weird chalky glue and all?
Well have we got the answer for you! With Smile Brilliance at-home teeth whitening, not only will your chompers be restored to their gleaming glory (remember how happy you were as a child?), but they will actively make you more intelligent, through the patented Phloemagic system! That’s right, no longer will you be left drooling through your malformed corkscrews of what once was enamel whenever your friends ask you a simple question (“how have you been?” they ask, and you think, “yes, how? how is it that I have been, and continue to be? I’ve forgotten all my Plato, all that’s left is a wikipedia’d remainder of Kant.” but they don’t know that, because you’re still fucking drooling, instead of saying “fine, u?”)—with Smile Brilliance each tightening of your face muscles, each simian smile, be it in defense or deference or (unlikely) joy, will force our patented formula up through the pulpy system of bones and marrow and gray matter (all created from the same ur-material, as you know, or you will soon!) to make you a smarter and prettier person.
Did we mention that it comes with an LED light? Now, you might be saying to yourself, if you can unhook your tongue from that spiny rosebush of distorted bone, isn’t that redundant? Calling something a Light Emitting Diode Light? But think about it, dummy! Oh right, you can’t—yet!
So order up and ship out for the wild adventure of the dance of your future self with fun and friends in luxury and relax!
“I never realized how much that two cups of coffee a day had stained my teeth, but I saw a difference after one Smile Brilliance treatment. Now I have such a terrific smile!”
- Jenny
“It was a lot easier than the strips. I like how it’s portable and easy to take anywhere (and the headset is so cool).”
- Jackie
“I feel like there’s been a major improvement. I’m amazed that the little yellow spots on my teeth are gone.”
- Jenni
